Recently, a senior executive approached me for coaching after a Friday evening that left him feeling overwhelmed and exhausted AGAIN.

Let’s call him Thomas. Thomas works for a high-growth tech company. He’s smart, composed, and incredibly effective with clients. His boss? Let’s just say he’s allergic to accountability and obsessed with his own self-image.

That night, they were in a make-or-break meeting with a global customer. From the moment the video call started, Thomas could sense tension. His boss, irritated by the client’s slightly “too junior” representative, began pushing back, questioning decisions, tone-checking, and finally, midway through a strategic discussion, closed his laptop. Ten minutes later, Thomas received a text: “I’m done with this. Fix it.” No context. No explanation. His boss had physically left the building and driven home.

Thomas spent two hours patching things up, assuring the client of their importance, validating their concerns, and committing to next steps. The client stayed, but only because of Thomas. No apology ever came from his boss. Not then, not later. The man simply moved on, pretending the whole event had never happened.

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time.

In another case, the boss dismissed a senior stakeholder at a partner company as “a middle manager in denial” during a dinner meeting. Out loud. In front of his team. Result: weeks of reputational repair, personal phone calls, and rescheduled workshops. Thomas handled it all, behind the scenes.

And in a third example, Thomas presented a well-researched growth plan that subtly shifted budget authority toward client-facing teams. His boss? He snorted in the meeting, tossed the printout back at him, and later told him, “Never present something that makes me look like I’m not in control.”

The Psychological Squeeze of the Narcissistic Boss

What Thomas is experiencing is not just a string of unprofessional incidents. It’s a long-term psychological sandwich, caught between external pressure to deliver and internal volatility. He’s the glue, the cleaner, the interpreter, the buffer. And the result? Chronic stress, constant vigilance, and a growing question in his mind: “Is this the price I have to pay for success?”

Narcissistic leaders often:

• Lack empathy: They simply don’t register the emotional consequences of their behavior, nor do they care.
• Devalue others to elevate themselves: If you shine too brightly, you become a threat. If you clean up after them, they see it as expected, not exceptional.
• Use power as personal validation: Meetings aren’t about outcomes. They’re about dominance. If they feel slighted, they burn the whole room down to prove a point.

They also rarely change. The psychological trap is hoping they’ll “come around” or “finally see your value.” They won’t!

Coaching Focus: Three Questions That Change the Game

As a coach and someone who’s worked on both sides of the table, I’ve learned not to start with strategy but with clarity. If you're working under someone like this, here are the three questions I ask:

1. “What part of your identity is currently tied to managing your boss?”

This reveals the invisible contract we often make with difficult leaders: If I just perform well enough, I’ll earn stability or respect. It helps my coachee to recognize whether their emotional energy is being spent on delivering value or just on surviving a relationship.

2. “How would you define ‘success’ in this role, beyond pleasing your boss?”

This re-centers my coachee on outcomes that matter to them: team growth, customer impact, and personal development. It breaks the loop of reactive firefighting and helps them rebuild proactivity agency.

3. “If this behavior never changes, what’s your timeline for action?”

I always add this third question. It’s about boundaries. Some coachees realize they’ve tolerated years of emotional labor with no change. Others find they still have time to maneuver, manage up, or prepare a transition. But we remove the illusion that things might shift if they just wait long enough.

These questions are not meant to diagnose; they’re meant to liberate. Once you stop dancing around someone’s ego, you start designing your career with intention.

Final Thoughts: Cleaners Burn Out. Strategists Move On.

Thomas isn’t the exception. He’s the pattern. Far too many high performers end up stuck under emotionally immature leaders who mistake control for competence. Over time, something subtle yet serious happens: your energy shifts from doing great work to managing their moods. Your job becomes survival, not impact.

If you choose to stay, do so with your eyes open. Know what it’s costing you, not just in hours, but in confidence, clarity, and long-term growth.

Or you can take a different route. You can start building your exit strategy by aligning with people who recognize your value without needing it explained to them and by finding work that respects your brain, your time, and your humanity.

You didn’t work this hard to become someone else’s emotional shock absorber. You’re meant for more than being the “Crime Scene Cleaner.”

“Never Let Your Boss’s Ego Become Your Full-Time Job”